4 posts tagged “joan crawford”
I've messed up my back from marathon painting sessions, and I'm kinda dizzy from paint and varnish fumes. But still, people asked me to write a little review of my totally over priced paperback: "Joan Crawford, My Way of Life" I'll try my best to remember stuff.
Was it worth the money I spent, and do I agree with all the 5 star reviews on Amazon? Eh, not quite. Though there are some paragraphs that are pretty funny, and if anything the tone just confirms the "Mommie Dearest" book wasn't that far from the truth. I like how she talks about how perfect her marriage was to her last husband, minus the black eyes and constant slappings. In fact I think 3 of her 4 husbands slapped her quite often. The structure and lessons taught in this book is very close to former Miss America and ventriloquist Vonda Kay VanDyke's teen advice book in some aspects. And I won't lie, there are some good points in the book, but some are just unrealistic for average people.
Joan likes to gloss over stuff, like how her children were raised (she still refers to her youngest girls as "the twins" even though they were in fact born a year apart), her marriages, and the beatings she took as a kid. One story she thought was funny: She divorced 2nd husband Franchot Tone, and since she had miles of monogrammed towels and linens, she had one of her maids unpick every fiber from the "T" in everything with tweezers. Can you image how sore your hands would get? She then tells of how the maid was listening to the radio--almost done with this bullshit task--when she hears, "Joan Crawford has just married Phillip Terry!" Joan thinks it is hilarious that the maid stormed out and said she quit. Yes Joan, hilarious. What's even better and she fails to mention is that Joan Crawford wasn't even her real friggin' name, that was name chosen as part of a movie fan magazine contest.
Joan also tells us that her German maid is named Mamacita because Joan was impatient about something and yelled to the next room "Mamacita!" because she couldn't remember the maid's name. The maid responded, so the name stuck. Look, here's Joan on one of her many trips to Africa, totally overdressed for the villagers of course...
And I love how a bulk of the photos are dedicated to just how she and her maid pack and put tissue in all her clothes and then wrap them in plastic for all of her oh-so-busy goodwill trips and Pepsi bottling plant openings. 12 pieces of luggage is totally normal for her. I like how really, the lesson goes: Step 1. Select your outfits Step 2. Get your maid to pack them. See...
Okay, so what lessons do I remember from Joan; besides the fact that she finds a way to tell you how busy she is on every page? Yes, she is that busy, busy enough her own children know to never disturb her. Her phone rings off the hook you know, and she plans everything down to the detail.
Let's see, I totally stock all the food items she lists not to stock: Bread, pasta, avocados, meat, sugar, potatoes, rice, olives, beans, butter, cheese, cream soups....well heck Joan what am I supposed to eat? Oh that's right: cottage cheese and chicken livers, bacon, eggs benedict, meatballs, and bacon cover peanut butter ?! Um, okay that seems a little strange.
Surprise parties are always supposed to be a restaurant...always!
Your housework should be done before your husband comes home, he shouldn't even know what a vacuum cleaner looks like.
You should look nice and be fragrant when your husband comes home, because he probably works with much better looking and younger women than you.
Don't ever talk about yourself or even so much as speak much when your husband and his friends are around, because nobody cares.
Get a job of some sort, otherwise people will think you are boring.
Sometimes men don't want their wives to work, because they're afraid they won't get as much tang.
Before applying make-up, scrub your face with a washcloth. Really scrub she says. Harder, harder, I said scrub dammit!
Wash your hair in cold water with 6 eggs.
Your foundation make-up should be applied everywhere, neck, boobs, even to the back of the neck!
Everything should be monogrammed. Everything!
Inventory your closet 4 times a year, because you might have dust in the corners.
If you can buy off-the-rack clothing, you are brave, it is so much easier if you design your own clothes and have a dressmaker make them for you. Also, your liner and shoe fabrics should always match.
You probably have a lot of physical flaws. Freak out about them more, have photos taken of you from every angle and get them blown up to 8x10" glossies. Study them, study how bad your physical appearance is and correct it.
Get a 3-panel mirror, because your ass is probably bigger than you think it is.
Exercise your legs the most, because men are leg watchers.
Scrubbing the floor on your hands and knees is best, because you might miss stuff in the corners.
Thanks Joan I think I'll manage. Have a good week everyone, I'm off to Greensboro NC.
Was it holiday here in the U.S. of A? I've spent my weekend numbing a lingering migraine with Zombie drink mix and champaigne. While our friends The Sky Drops were excellent as always on Friday night, I had forgotten something about going to live gigs that one should always remember: the most awful sucky opening "bands" play for a really long time and crank up the amps to let the suckiness overcome you, especially in a small room. Seriously people, save the amatuer rehersals for the basement. I know its not very zen to outright tell people they suck and should stop doing something, but I've gotten to the point where my time gets wasted enough that I don't care anymore. Maybe they need to be told they suck? Maybe that will stop the madness. Don't tell me you haven't thought the same thing.
I've entered a new phase of my life where if I don't like how something is going, or I'm bored, or I feel like going koo-koo-crazy-Michael Douglas in Falling Down-bang-bang-punchy-stab-stab, I will just leave. This goes for live gigs, art shows, film festivals, bars, dance clubs, BBQs, house parties, plays, lectures, readings, auctions, boxing matches, camel fights, county fairs, monster truck rallys and rib cook-offs that feature the Gin Blossoms as the main entertainment -- like this past weekend at the Berea Fairgrounds. Okay, I don't see how I could leave a Monster Truck Rally as it should be fun no matter what, right? I've never been, I'd like to go sometime...really!
This weekend wasn't a all bad. Friends made yummy food, got to catch up with people, and I started reading my Joan Crawford book; that basically is telling me I'm a lazy untidy unfeminine fatty and should keep my mouth shut and be my husband's slave, but also have a real job, otherwise people will think I'm boring. All with perfect hair and makeup of course. I love you Joan baby!
I was also productive and decided to hang some framed pictures. Better than them sitting in my warehouse right? This is the "indie rock wall of shame" now in our bedroom, because it is all my drawings inspired by hipster indie rock groupies and the like. There are actually even more framed drawings, but I thought this looked like a good amount to hang. All are still for sale too by the way...
Shannon Okey helped me out today by using her snazzy camera to fit these dang pictures in frame proper. Also my digital camera makes everything yellow all the time, so the colors on the painting are more true I think now.
I've been doing larger work, and will continue to do so for a bit, so part of me wants a large format scanner. I've had my Canon scanner for 6 years with no problems, so I have no excuse to get a new one really, but dangit if these digital shots just don't get it down as well as laying the art on a plate. I'm not down with spending upwards of $1300 on a new large format scanner though. That is just too much for me right now -- as much as I need it.
Bad enough I'm actually going to go ahead and plunk down stupid money for this rare used paperback from the 70s:
It is my birthday present to myself. Joan would tell me I deserve it. So there.
I remember when I was 20 or so, a younger guy from my college says, "Have you seen, like, every ancient movie ever made before 1965?" Well, I haven't of course. But it is scary that I recognize and know the names of actors from before 1945 all too often. I even know who else they've co-starred with, what directors, who they hated, who they slept with and any possible scandals as well. Maybe I should have been a guide at the Max Factor Hollywood Museum afterall? Anyways, here some "Ancient" movies I dig, and maybe you will too.
She runs a car company, yells a lot at board meetings, sleeps with all her hot male employees and has a kick ass pad to boot. This movie is worth it alone for the art deco set design. As for the message that women should act like women and be soft and cuddly and not in any sort of power position that would make her husband feel inferior? Eh.
Warren William likes to play bad guy workaholics who do business any way they can. In this he plays a very driven Department Store manager; I've noticed men who have seen this movie just love his character. It is also very interesting to see how department stores used to operate, and all the jobs that no longer exist. Of course there's drama and suicide too. At one point Warren even gets Loretta Young drunk on champaigne and bangs her while she's unconcious. Again, worth it for the costumes and sets.
Are there any Warren William movies during this period where he didn't play a ruthless business man gone bad, who enjoys getting young girls drunk on champagine and banging them while they are unconcious? Well, I suppose "Imitation of Life", but that's gotta be some strong champaigne indeed! Anyways, here is a lovely pre-code film with all sorts of drama and suicide...again.
How can you look at this picture and NOT want to see it!? And mind you, Joan Crawford and Norma Shearer really did hate eachother that much -- they aren't acting! This movie is "all about men". There are no men in the movie actually, but you get enough catty one-liners and ridiculous costumes that they would look out of place. Joan Crawford and her bath tub are a hoot, and the movie actually goes into color for one segment: the fashion show. Again, I'm not too crazy about former playwright/congresswoman/ambassador Clare Boothe Luce and her message in all of this. Keep the husband at any cost, even if he is a lying, cheating, deserting son of a bitch.
